2009 was a year of ups and downs, firsts and lasts, and beginnings and endings. It was definitely a year I’ll never forget. From last high school dances, to graduation, to that huge completely-blown-out-of-proportion drama that took over the last month of my senior year, this last year was a rollercoaster ride, to say the least. The last summer I spent knowing and being close to so many people at one time. Then came all the firsts. The first taste of college, of being on my own. First midterms, first time downing 4 doubleshots in a night for my first midterm, first finals, first quarter of college with so many new people to meet and things to try. It’s ridiculous how much things changed in one year…
It was really after high school was over that all the changes began happening… though I told myself I’d keep myself in control and in check, I definitely let the freedom of college life get to me. I thought I’d be better than this, more in control than this. I guess you could say things didn’t exactly turn out the way I had originally envisioned. All in all, looking back on the first few months of college, I am pretty disappointed with myself. I let myself slip in classes, and I reminisce back to when I first got here, how I came in with the goal of acing my classes and hopefully staying on the pre-med track. How I’ve let myself get away with so much procrastination and so little dedication to my academics is quite beyond my comprehension. I started stopped caring and threw all my values and priorities out the window. I forgot why I came here. I forgot that my parents are still paying 20k+ every year, and that right now, it’s completely for nothing.
Which brings me to another lesson I had to learn. I rely on my parents way, wayyyy too much. They’re my safety net, the people I can turn to if I need anything, the people I ask for money when my funds are low, the people I ask to send me something from home if I need it, etc. Because I know they will never be able to refuse me, their only daughter. And in that sense, I am incredibly selfish, not taking into account how hard they work so they can pair me with a good education, and spending money like water, swiping my debit card without a second thought because I know that I only have to ask to transfer a hundred dollars in. So I don’t want to completely depend on them anymore. I want to be able to limit myself and understand that it’s hard for them to earn money without having to pay for my extra expenses of materialistic pleasure.
I suppose, in terms of temperament and behaving myself, I did a lot better towards the end of the year. High school really did me well. I learned that people will talk, people will judge, and some people will never change. Sometimes, there really isn’t anything you can do it about it, and not everyone will like you. And if they do? You need to step out of your comfort zone a little more, take more risks, speak up a little louder, and stop being afraid of publicly expressing your opinions, even if they don’t coincide with everyone else’s. I’m slowly, but steadily, trying to improve myself on judging people too quickly and letting bigotry affect how I approach new acquaintances. I’m trying to be more open-minded and caring towards others’ needs instead of only catering to my own. But at the same time, I’m watching myself, and not letting myself get taken advantage of.
So, this year, 2010, is a year of repair. A year to fix all my mistakes and a year to err on the side of caution because I really do need to prioritize my life and figure out what I’m trying to accomplish here. Without a goal, my path towards happiness and success is nonexistent, and there’s no reason for me to stay. This year, it’s about finding myself, and deciding upon a goal to reach. It’s about balancing hot with cold, and work with play. It’s time to focus on important things and question what short-term pleasures are worth my time, and which will do more harm than good. 2010 definitely isn’t going to be an easy year to get through… but since when was the satisfaction of accomplishing ‘easy’ ever enough for me?
